Know/i/n/g

Really, you must know the effect you have on people.

And when I type ‘people’, I really mean women.

And when I type ‘women’,  I really mean   me.

Because you are Dream personified.

And I’ve been told that I have a special smile for when I speak about you.

But don’t worry, I never say your name or

revealing traits.

And I didn’t lie when I told you that I was happy to have known you—

knowing that you are leaving in a little more than a week,

knowing you have Grand Adventures planned for this summer.

And I didn’t want to possibly Never Speak to You Again without you knowing, me not knowing if we would ever speak again.

To know.

Knowing.

Known.

And you called me great.

A lovely person.

And ‘cute as a button. Don’t be worrying about that.’ [1]

I don’t know what your game is, your motives, what you want me to think (if anything). But I’m glad you saw me today, dressed smart for graduation.

1. Coming from the green room of the commencement speaker.

2. Standing outside laughing and talking with friends.

3. At the reception.

At the reception, at the closing of the gallery, where you stepped away from your group of friends and told me I looked nice. First mouthing the words, then louder when I approached. [2]

I had pictured this moment in my head. Of me telling you how I felt proud and happy for you, even if it sounded horrible.

And embrace.

A cold coke in my hand.

Your friends staring.

I asked you if it was worth it, if you were happy and content.

You replied that it was worth it because of the people ‘round us – a perfect escape[3].

‘Then I’ll let you go back to them,’ I say with a smile. ‘I’m saying good-bye to all of this,’ I motion to the artwork in the gallery.

You ‘let me do what I have to do’, I step away, not knowing what to say.

Good-bye?

Later?

Will I ever see you again?[4]

‘I’ll see you later,’ you make the decision for me. I smile and agree, though really I’m calculating the probability of your statement and decide that you are just being polite.

‘I’ll see you later,’ you wink.

Wink.

Wink.

People still do that in an unironic fashion?

Apparently they do because you just winked at me.

Which makes me think you know exactly what you cause people.

What you cause women.

What you cause me.

To smile and blush and walk away feeling light and perfect and, dare I say, ‘cute as a button’?[5]


[1] Sorry/Not sorry for using direct quotations here. I know I should keep this more private, but honestly, I’m sort of  really happy/proud you told that to me.

[2] I didn’t want to intrude myself in your group – it’s your day, you graduated. Who would I have been to come bumbling and breaking apart your camaraderie?

[3] Really, I didn’t want to take you away much longer from your friends.

[4] And if I don’t, I can accept that. Because I am glad to have known you, and to have thought about you and to have dreamt about you. Despite your flaws, despite how brief, I’m glad to have known you.

[5] Ugh, only you could make me want to write like a love-sick fool. But I secretly enjoy it.

 

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